10 Random Thoughts About "The Hills Have Eyes" (The Good One)

Now, I'm not one to doubt myself, but, is there anything I can say about Wes Craven's seminal horror classic "The Hills Have Eyes" that hasn't been said before? Probably not.

I could mention the underlying themes of humanity's breakdown under horrible circumstances. I could talk about how, in order to survive, a normal suburban family needs to become almost as evil as their mountain-dwelling, cannibal attackers.

But frankly, its been done. That, and I don't feel like thinking too much. So here's ten random thoughts on what makes "The Hills Have Eyes" awesome.

So, without further Apu, here we go;

10. The desert environment

The environment makes this movie. At it's core "The Hills Have Eyes" is a story of survival. One that's made even more harried by the formidable desert landscape the movie transpires in. Blinding sunlight and gnarly rock structures aren't often backdrops in horror movies, and in the hands of a less skilled director the desert setting could've looked downright boring with its open, sparse expanses, and bright blue skies. Somehow, however, Wes Craven makes it work, and it actually enhances the experience.

9. Dee Wallace Stone.

One of "Hills'" small pleasures; Dee Wallace's character tows the line between the spunky (and occasionally annoying) teenage Katy and the completely ineffective Ethel Carter (whose method of attack when fighting a mutant cannibal is to hit him lightly in the head with a broom). In many ways Dee Wallace's character is the most realistic one in the film; she's not jumping into action, but she's not exactly a quivering mess either. Also, she has a baby, which makes her much more of a rooting interest.

8. Brenda Marinoff

The aforementioned "occasionally annoying teenager". Brenda Marinoff's Katy Carter goes from one of the least useful characters in the film (mostly she's around to make sarcastic comments) to the rooting interest in one scene. Getting raped by a radioactive mutant might not be a great resume piece for an actress, but it made her a sympathetic character and upped the stakes even further than any number of normal murders possibly could.

7. "Hills" broke the rules before we even knew about them

Wes Craven's 1996 movie "Scream" lampooned horror movie conventions that had been in place since the early 70's, but, "The Hills Have Eyes" broke them. People had sex, and lived. Dogs died. Horrible things happened to children. Hell, even the near-elderly got offed in some terrible way. The 2007 remake might have had more gore, but the original pushed the boundaries first.

6. The old "exploding camper trick"

In one of the most coolest booby (heh, booby) traps in horror history, the surviving members of the Carter family set an ingenious trap using propane tanks, scotch tape, and a simple matchbook to kill a raging radioactive mutant by using their dead mother as bait to lure him into an (almost) deadly explosion. Sure it didn't really work, but it was a damn neat trick.

5. Michael Berryman

The by-product of two doctor parents' abuse of prescription medicine. Berryman grew up as a real-life mutant, with the inability to grow hair, fingernails, or teeth. Its really no wonder Berryman's mutant character, Pluto has become "Hills'" poster-boy.

I mean look at this:
















Look I'm sure he's a great guy, but it looks like his face is melting.

4. The dog mauling

How often is it you see a dog as the hero of a horror movie? And no, your Lassie vs. Dracula fanfiction doesn't count. Dogs as villains have been done to death, but heroic canines are something new. To his credit the Carter family's dog, Beast, kills more evil mutants than any other human character. He knocks one off a cliff, brings his owners one of their CB radios, and even mauls Pluto to death. He's a credit to dog-kind everywhere. And his name isn't even in the opening credits.

3. "That's not my Bob!"

One of the most shocking moments for first time viewers of "Hills" is the death of big, bad Bob Carter. The big tough, former cop is the first guy to go out; and he goes down like a bitch, passing out from a heart attack and waking up tied to a tree and set on fire. Looking at once like Christ on a cross and a marshmallow on a stick his wife shrieks "That's not my Bob!" as he burns alive.

Hmmm, toasty.

2. Baby go bye-bye

Perhaps the most disconcerting thing in "Hills" is the theft of the Carter family baby. Sure, you can kill old people, teenagers, dogs, and everyone else, but you don't fuck with babies. "Hills" sets itself apart from the rest of the horror pack by being one of few to endanger the life of a newborn. It takes balls to do that, and it only serves to make the whole movie even more tense.

1. The Cannibal "Sermon" to a head

The one scene "Hills" is probably best remembered for is also its most butchered. Originally meant to be a gruesome scene of cannibal feasting (before the MPAA got their grubby movie-ruining hands on it) the scene where mutant-leader Mars eats the barbecued arm of Bob Carter while giving a pseudo-religious lecture to his decapitated head is "Hill's" cheesiest, but best remembered scene. I guess Bob makes good dinner, and dinner conversation.

And that's ten. And you know what? I haven't even scratched the surface of what makes this flick so good. I've taken a few surface level scenes, and cool little shit to talk about -- but there's certainly a much deeper movie here than I'm letting on to.

Taking A Break From Movies To Talk About Rock Band

Yeah I know I've kinda set this whole "Schlock Drop" thing up as a movie blog, but, occasionally I like to play videogames too. And lately, when Grand Theft Auto 4 hasn't been eating up my time like a hungry, fat man eats pizza, I've been cooling down with a bit of X-Box 360 Rock Band. And so far, to the credit of Rock Band's creators Harmonix, Rock Band has been keeping my busy for months on end. I received Rock Band for Christmas, and I've been fed a steady stream of downloadable content; everything from Lynyrd Skynrd to "Beethoven's Cunt" is out there and available for purchase. A few weeks ago Harmonix even released their first full-album download - that being Judas Priest's not-so-fondly remembered mid-80's disc "Screaming For Vengeance". Why "Screaming For Vengeance"? Who the hell knows. Seriously, Judas Priest? But all this got me thinking (and that takes a lot). I said to myself; "Self, looking at your CD collection, what ten full albums would you like to see in Rock Band?"

I responded by saying "Self, let's waste some time creating a blog about it."

And here it is: The top-ten albums I'd enjoy maybe, possibly, hopefully appearing in Rock Band.












10. Rob Zombie - "Hellbilly Deluxe"
- Yeah, I know what people are saying; "Are you twelve?" "Is it still 1998?" But there's certainly something to be said for nostalgia. I've had this CD floating around my collection for going on ten years now and somehow, someway, this footnote in metal history has survived several collection purgings and me accidentally losing the case for it, as well as me dropping it on concrete. It's the devil on my back. It will never die. Shit like "Dragula", "Living Dead Girl", and "Superbeast" deserve to be immortalized, if only for their personal staying power in my collection.












9. System Of A Down - "Toxicity"
- Hear that sound? That's the sound of your fingers breaking and your voice screeching to a quiet whisper. Arguably, "Toxicity" is the culmination of System Of A Down's frantic, hyper kinetic, and incredibly violent musical style, with drum fills and bass lines more creative than the main riffs of most other "metal" songs. Listen to the CD's title track "Toxicity" and tell me that's something that wouldn't break your plastic guitar at the neck and leave your drummer's arms bleeding on the floor. And really, isn't that what music games are all about?













8. The Ramones - "The Ramones"
- Raw, unadulterated speed. Let it be said that I hate punk rock. Actually, make that new punk rock. The Ramones however, are a different story. If modern punk rock is characterised as being "whiny and self-indulgent" than The Ramones were the total opposite of that. Take screeching guitars, killer drums, and an amazing vocalist and throw in topics including Nazism, sniffing glue, and getting laid and you've got yourself a great Rock Band downloadable album.












7. Black Sabbath- "Heaven And Hell"
- For the most part, post- Ozzy Osbourne Black Sabbath is undiscovered country - and for good reason - because most of it sucks. Constant lineup changes, internal band drama, and a changing musical landscape led to a consistent downturn for the band until their most recent, Ozzy including, reunion. The one exception to Sabbath's post- Ozzy blues is "Heaven And Hell" - a disc created, seemingly, by the metal Gods themselves. There's something about a fresh sounding Ronnie James Dio on vocals that changed Sabbath's long-staid style, turning the band's sound from that of a "bluesy" rock group to a more Rock Band friendly metal sound.












6. AC/DC - "Back In Black"
- Somehow, for the last decade, AC/DC has managed to straddle the line between nostalgia and over-played status without ever losing their rock dignity. They're a solid example of how good music, great guitar riffs, and a killer singer can elevate a simple no-frills rock band to the level of rock mainstays. Just listen to "Back In Black's" trademark opening riff and tell me it's not the ultimate plastic guitar musical opus.












5. Pantera - "Vulgar Display Of Power
- In 2004 metal lost one of its greatest heroes when Dimebag Darrel, guitarist for Pantera, was gunned down by a crazed fan during a nightclub show. Pantera's "Vulgar Display Of Power" was, arguably, the band's greatest work. Take a honed to a point metal style, the crushing guitar work of Dimebag Darrel and Vinnie Paul, and the growling vocals of Phil Anselmo and blend into a fine metal puree of violence, destruction, mayhem. Songs like "Walk" and "Fucking Hostile" are what metalheads crave, and they'd be a perfect (if edgy) fit for Rock Band.












4. Metallica -" The Black Album"
- Ah yes, Metallica as a designated "hit machine". For a brief time in the early 1990's the once ascendent kings of metal were on an absolute roll. "Enter Sandman" was a radio-friendly hit, and "The Black Album" was flying off shelves. Heralded equally as Metallica at their musical peak, and Metallica as a metal sell-out "The Black Album" is, in retrospect some of the best work the band's ever put out. The rocking "Sad But True", the ambient "Wherever I May Roam", and even the trippy "Through The Never" hold up just as well now as they did nearly twenty years ago. "Enter Sandman's" already a Rock Band staple, why not go for the whole thing?












3. Black Sabbath - "Paranoid"
- The pinnacle of Ozzy Osbourne's stint with Black Sabbath, "Paranoid" is an eight track long rock oddyssey that would be perfect for a four-man Rock Band attack. Bellow through "War Pigs", jam through "Paranoid", and bask in the reverence of the great man of Iron all in one amazing package.












2. Guns 'N Roses- "Appetite For Destruction"
- Yes, I realize G'nR guitarist Slash pimping Rock Band's main competition Guitar Hero 3 pretty much seals the deal as far as this ever happening. But hell, this is fantasy. This is purely a list of albums I'd like to see in Rock Band. That doesn't mean it'll ever happen (nor do I expect it to). But what self-respecting Rock Band player hasn't thought of what things might have been like in a different world? Everything on this disc, to say the least of "Welcome To The Jungle", "Paradise City", and "Sweet Child Of Mine" is absolutely classic and perfect for Rock Band.

*Sigh*... If only.....












1. Metallica- "Master Of Puppets"
- What can I say that hasn't already been said about Metallica's musical opus "Master Of Puppets"? Its less single-centric than "The Black Album" leading to a better cohesive musical experience. Its less pretentious and self-indulgent than "... And Justice For All" . Its probably the best disc Metallica's ever done, and probably one of the finest pieces of modern metal ever pressed. Needless to say, with songs like "Master Of Puppets", "(Welcome Home) Sanitarium", "Damage INC", and "Battery" leading the charge, few (if any) albums would be a better fit in Rock Band.

Questions? Comments? Wanna tell me how wrong I am? Then leave me a comment.

The Epic First Review - "Skeleton Man"

"Skeleton Man"

Starring: Casper "The Friendly Ghost" Van Dien, Michael "No, I Can't Tell You If Its Going To Rain Tommorrow" Rooker, and God knows who else/ a few random hobos.

Directed By: Johnny Martin

One Line Review: A group of people that owe Johnny Martin money are forced to poorly ripoff "Predator" to the delight of almost no one.

____________________________________________________________________________

Well, for most people outside of a very select group, the motion picture abortion known as "Skeleton Man" isn't going to be very enjoyable. And you know what? I'm not part of that group. Thankfully, years of watching bad movies, videogames, and drastic head traumas hasn't dulled my senses much when it comes to picking out a real stinker.

Price aside, ($3.99 at my local K-Mart), I already knew I was headed for trouble looking at the DVD case; the above image isn't actually the DVD art, but beleive it or not, the actual art is worse. The back of the case contains more verbs, adjectives, and hyperbole than most paid- for-a-quote movie critics' entire library of work, and the "not even death will stop him" tag-line doesn't exactly inspire confidence.

But, the superficial packaging only belies the terrible movie buried within the shiny plastic disc.

To be frank, I realize there are good movies. In equal amounts there are bad movies.

"Skeleton Man" is neither of these. There's no Hell in this world or the next that could make this movie seem comparatively "good". And calling it "bad" is an insult to every "bad" movie ever made.

"Skeleton Man" rests comfortably in its own special place in the bad movie world. Its crime is the worst crime a movie of this type can commit; not only is it an atrocious film, but its boring. As boring as a church service on Friday. And you don't even get any communal wine.

Take equal parts boring acting, a terrible killer, and a boring story. Throw all of that into the harsh light of day and serve with bad special effects and a side of extra shit sauce.

The story, if you can call it that, is a pretty basic one. Sometime during a routine military training excerise, the military unit is attacked by a "strange force" and all but wiped out. The two surviving members run around a whole bunch while seemingly failing to care, emote, or act in any way. Eventually, they're killed by a stuntman in a bad skeleton Halloween mask riding a horse. This all happens, I should probably mention, during the day. In blazing sunlight.

Attention Johnny Martin: Daylight = Not scary.

So when you're crack military unit goes missing and/or turns up dead who do you send in? If you're going to say the Governator, think a little bit cheaper.

That's right, Casper Van Dien. Along with Van Dien, we have Micheal Rooker, four hot women soldiers, two random stuntman who can memorize lines, and the catering guy who wanted to try his hand at acting.

The rest of "Skeleton Man" plays out like an incredibly low-rent "Predator"-clone. The stuntman on a horse kills people one-by-one, every special effect being exposed by the ever-present sunlight. Sometime during all the so-called "action" we learn the boring truth behind the "Skeleton Man'"; he's a vengeful Indian spirit who haunts the vaguely defined "woods", for some reason relating to some kind of faux Indian bullshit (not to mention painfully revealing loincloths on men.)

The film ends just as badly as you'd expect; Van Dien tries his best Schawrazennager impression, by taking the fight to the "Skeleton Man" inside an electric plant. In the end he blows him up.

Apparently you can blow up a ghost.

But you know what the scariest part about this movie is? The credits actually tease a sequel!

________________________________________________________________________

The Official Breakdown

The Gore Factor:

- Really, its nothing to write home about. Some chick gets her head crushed with a rock, but almost nothing comes out. She's blonde. I wonder if there's some correlation?

NOODZ?

- None. Despite four good looking women being in this movie, not one of them pops their army regulation top.

Acting?

- It veers wildly between a student short film (a bad student) and someone making a public-service video on the dangers of improper power tool usage.

X-Factor

- Ha, yeah right....

What Makes A Bad Movie "Good"?

Before I start off with a bit of B-Movie reviewing action, I feel its probably best to outline what makes a so-called "bad movie" "good" in my opinion. As a fairly consistent viewer of the lesser-half of mainstream cinema, I've been visiting B-Movie sites for a long while now, and one of the more helpful sets of criteria for finding a "good" B-movie resides here- at Andrew Borntreger's Badmovies.org. And that's all well and good, finding a B-movie is about the easiest thing you can do.













This is pretty clearly not in the upper echelon of cinema.

The real question is how do you find a good B-movie? Well, if my criteria is anything to go by (which its not) these four criteria should help.

1. If its a horror movie how much blood/gore/violence is in it?

- If it should be a lot, than it needs to be a lot. Sometimes the best part of a B-movie is the overt violence and gore. The only thing more important is...

2. Female Nudity- Yes? No? How Much?

- Most red-blooded American men will watch any given movie for the chance to see some titties. Embrace your inner twelve-year old, female nudity can make even the crappiest movies seem worth watching.

Addendum: The inverse is true for male nudity. The more cock the less rock.

3. How's The Acting - Stupidly Fun, or Just Plain Stupid?

- Most movies live or die by their actors, and their respective acting talent (or lack thereof). B-movies are expected to have acting talent reminiscent of 70's porno films or your family's vacation videos. But remember, stupidity can still be fun. Entertainment doesn't have to intelligent to be worthwhile.

4. That Certain "X-Factor"

- That one thing in a movie that makes it just incredible. Its rare that you run into one of these, and I've yet to find one. Its like the female G-Spot, only a lot more painful to look for.

How Rude Of Me Not To Introduce Myself...

Some of you who've decided (for whatever reason), to check out this blog may already know me. I'm sort of an infamous online personality. By "infamous", of course, I mean "openly annoying and a troll". But for those of you who may, in fact, be strangers to me let me tell you a few things about myself.

* I'm 19, with the maturity level of a 12- year old and the mental capacity of an 8-year old.

* I like horror movies, old cartoons, porno movies, action figures, making fun of emo kids, sci-fi serials from the 1950's, the Devil, Satanic worship, foot worship, sexual deviancy, children's educational programming, quirky nerd girls with lunch-box purses, and player pianos. Also, I enjoy long walks on the beach.

* My life revolves around the internet. In fact, I've grown to such Jabba The Hutt-esque proportions due to my sedentary lifestyle I'm barely able to leave my chair. But that just means more stuff from me. Hurray?

* I own over 2,000 movies, download almost that many a month, and buy almost that many a year, but I still find time to have an actual life. Not all nerds are losers. But all losers are nerds.

That's enough shit about me. Let's get on with the show.