The Epic First Review - "Skeleton Man"

"Skeleton Man"

Starring: Casper "The Friendly Ghost" Van Dien, Michael "No, I Can't Tell You If Its Going To Rain Tommorrow" Rooker, and God knows who else/ a few random hobos.

Directed By: Johnny Martin

One Line Review: A group of people that owe Johnny Martin money are forced to poorly ripoff "Predator" to the delight of almost no one.

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Well, for most people outside of a very select group, the motion picture abortion known as "Skeleton Man" isn't going to be very enjoyable. And you know what? I'm not part of that group. Thankfully, years of watching bad movies, videogames, and drastic head traumas hasn't dulled my senses much when it comes to picking out a real stinker.

Price aside, ($3.99 at my local K-Mart), I already knew I was headed for trouble looking at the DVD case; the above image isn't actually the DVD art, but beleive it or not, the actual art is worse. The back of the case contains more verbs, adjectives, and hyperbole than most paid- for-a-quote movie critics' entire library of work, and the "not even death will stop him" tag-line doesn't exactly inspire confidence.

But, the superficial packaging only belies the terrible movie buried within the shiny plastic disc.

To be frank, I realize there are good movies. In equal amounts there are bad movies.

"Skeleton Man" is neither of these. There's no Hell in this world or the next that could make this movie seem comparatively "good". And calling it "bad" is an insult to every "bad" movie ever made.

"Skeleton Man" rests comfortably in its own special place in the bad movie world. Its crime is the worst crime a movie of this type can commit; not only is it an atrocious film, but its boring. As boring as a church service on Friday. And you don't even get any communal wine.

Take equal parts boring acting, a terrible killer, and a boring story. Throw all of that into the harsh light of day and serve with bad special effects and a side of extra shit sauce.

The story, if you can call it that, is a pretty basic one. Sometime during a routine military training excerise, the military unit is attacked by a "strange force" and all but wiped out. The two surviving members run around a whole bunch while seemingly failing to care, emote, or act in any way. Eventually, they're killed by a stuntman in a bad skeleton Halloween mask riding a horse. This all happens, I should probably mention, during the day. In blazing sunlight.

Attention Johnny Martin: Daylight = Not scary.

So when you're crack military unit goes missing and/or turns up dead who do you send in? If you're going to say the Governator, think a little bit cheaper.

That's right, Casper Van Dien. Along with Van Dien, we have Micheal Rooker, four hot women soldiers, two random stuntman who can memorize lines, and the catering guy who wanted to try his hand at acting.

The rest of "Skeleton Man" plays out like an incredibly low-rent "Predator"-clone. The stuntman on a horse kills people one-by-one, every special effect being exposed by the ever-present sunlight. Sometime during all the so-called "action" we learn the boring truth behind the "Skeleton Man'"; he's a vengeful Indian spirit who haunts the vaguely defined "woods", for some reason relating to some kind of faux Indian bullshit (not to mention painfully revealing loincloths on men.)

The film ends just as badly as you'd expect; Van Dien tries his best Schawrazennager impression, by taking the fight to the "Skeleton Man" inside an electric plant. In the end he blows him up.

Apparently you can blow up a ghost.

But you know what the scariest part about this movie is? The credits actually tease a sequel!

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The Official Breakdown

The Gore Factor:

- Really, its nothing to write home about. Some chick gets her head crushed with a rock, but almost nothing comes out. She's blonde. I wonder if there's some correlation?

NOODZ?

- None. Despite four good looking women being in this movie, not one of them pops their army regulation top.

Acting?

- It veers wildly between a student short film (a bad student) and someone making a public-service video on the dangers of improper power tool usage.

X-Factor

- Ha, yeah right....